Deconstructing McCain's Nomination Speech

Which transcript can be found here.

Without further ado...and with emphasis added (where appropriate)

Thank you. Thank you, Texas, Ohio, Vermont and Rhode Island. I am very grateful for the broad support you have given our campaign. And I am very pleased to note that tonight, my friends, we have won enough delegates to claim with confidence, humility and a sense of great responsibility that I will be the Republican nominee for president of the United States.

Where have I heard that "humility" thing before?

Oh, yes.

BUSH: Let me comment on that. I'm not so sure the role of the United States is to go around the world and say this is the way it's got to be. We can help. And maybe it's just our difference in government, the way we view government. I want to empower the people. I want to help people help themselves, not have government tell people what to do. I just don't think it's the role of the United States to walk into a country and say, we do it this way, so should you. I think we can help. I know we've got to encourage democracy in the marketplaces. But take Russia, for example. We went into Russia, we said here is some IMF money, and it ended up in Viktor Chemomyrdin's pocket, and others, and yet we played like there was reform. The only people that are going to reform Russia are Russia. They're going to have to make the decision themselves. Mr. Putin is going to have to make the decision as to whether or not he wants to adhere to rule of law and normal accounting practices so that if countries and/or entities invest capital, there's a reasonable rate of return, a way to get the money out of the economy. But Russia has to make the decision. We can work with them on security matters, for example, but it's their call to make. So I'm not exactly sure where the vice president is coming from, but I think one way for us to end up being viewed as the ugly American is for us to go around the world saying, we do it this way, so should you. Now, we trust freedom. We know freedom is a powerful, powerful, powerful force, much bigger than the United States of America, as we saw recently in the Balkans. But maybe I misunderstand where you're coming from, Mr. Vice President, but I think the United States must be humble and must be proud and confident of our values, but humble in how we treat nations that are figuring out how to chart their own course.

Yes, that reminds me of Republicans.  Humility toward other nations.  Responsibility.

But do you notice how "humility" is always paired with "pride and confidence" in Bushist speeches?  Along with "reaching out to Democrats"?

McCain: I want to thank all of you here and all the Republicans, independents and independent-thinking Democrats, in all parts of the country, who supported our campaign for the nomination, and have brought us across the finish line first, an accomplishment that once seemed to more than a few doubters unlikely.

Well, with all due respect, Senator McCain, let me just rewrite this a little:

I want to thank all of you here and all the mindless sycophants, Fox News watchers and embittered enemies, in all parts of the country, who finally decided I was the least evil among a truly psychotic group of dead-enders, and brought us to the finish line, despite the fact that we were so pathetic that at one point I was offering massage services to frigid lobbyists so I could get a Big Mac for dinner.

Ok, ok, so that's a bit over the top.  But only a little.

McCain: I want to commend again, my friend, Governor Mike Huckabee, and his supporters, for their passionate commitment to their campaign that Governor Huckabee so ably represented. And I want to thank all my former rivals for the nomination and their supporters for their steadfast dedication to keeping America free, safe, prosperous, and proud.

My rewrite: I want to thank the Republican Party for giving me an opponent so deluded in his insanity that he places "God's Law" before the Constitution.  His rabid supporters truly were a gift from God.  And as for the others, who alternately wanted to turn America into a theocracy, a soulless corporate state, along with a deranged (though anti-war) anti-government survivalist with white supremacists sprinkled on top -- I can only say, I only want to bomb Iran and start World War III.  The American People have spoken!

Moving On (I make leetle joak)...

McCain: And, of course, I want to thank my family: my wife, Cindy; my children, and our dear friends who have been throughout this campaign, and will remain in the challenging months ahead, an unwavering source of support and love.

He should thank his wife, for not cutting him a new one.

McCain: Now, we begin the most important part of our campaign: to make a respectful, determined and convincing case to the American people that our campaign and my election as president, given the alternatives presented by our friends in the other party, are in the best interests of the country we love. I have never believed I was destined be president. I don't believe anyone is predestined to lead America. But I do believe we are born with responsibilities to the country that has protected our God-given rights, and the opportunities they afford us. I did not grow up with the expectation that my country owed me more than the rights owed every American. On the contrary, I owe my country every opportunity I have ever had. I owe her the meaning that service to America has given my life, and the sense that I am part of something greater than myself, part of a kinship of ideals that have always represented the last, best hope of mankind.

Predestined to lead America: Unlike Bush, who thinks he was chosen by God to be our Fearless Leader for all time?  Is this an oblique distancing from Commander Guy?

And, God given rights:  Of course, unless you're gay.

McCain: America is at war in two countries, and involved in a long and difficult fight with violent extremists who despise us, our values and modernity itself. It is of little use to Americans for their candidates to avoid the many complex challenges of these struggles by re-litigating decisions of the past. I will defend the decision to destroy Saddam Hussein's regime as I criticized the failed tactics that were employed for too long to establish the conditions that will allow us to leave that country with our country's interests secure and our honor intact. But Americans know that the next president doesn't get to remake that decision. We are in Iraq and our most vital security interests are clearly involved there. The next president must explain how he or she intends to bring that war to the swiftest possible conclusion without exacerbating a sectarian conflict that could quickly descend into genocide; destabilizing the entire Middle East; enabling our adversaries in the region to extend their influence and undermine our security there; and emboldening terrorists to attack us elsewhere with weapons we dare not allow them to possess.

Remake Translation: If Bush were your roommate, and took a big ole dump on your living room carpet, you would kick him out.  Only he wouldn't go until the lease ran out.  And me, I want to be your next roommate, and I'm Bush's best friend ever!  But, don't talk to me about the big ole dump on the carpet that left the stain, because you don't get to remake that decision.  

Please, please, America, reelect not only the party that put you in this shithole, but reelect the man who thinks that our former leader is wise and knowing.  Let the past be forgotten, or better yet, rewritten.

And, sectarian conflict?  Please.  

Modernity?  Senator McCain, the Republican Party wants to rewrite our textbooks and newscasts to turn evolution and global warming into opinions for the sake of bucks for Exxon and to please your deluded Christianist base.  You want women to get back-alley abortions with coat hangers.  Do not deign to speak of me of "modernity".

The next president must encourage the greater participation and cooperation of our allies in the fight against al-Qaida and the Taliban in Afghanistan.

Then, maybe Bush, your ideological sweetie, shouldn't have spent the last 8 years pissing them off and making them hate us.

Blah blah, talking point, blah blah, false sanctimony, creepy old man blather....

I will leave it to my opponent to claim that they can keep companies and jobs from going overseas by making it harder for them to do business here at home. We will campaign to strengthen job growth in America by helping businesses become more competitive with lower taxes and less regulation.

Um, Senator?  Senator?  Isn't endlessly lowering taxes and letting rapacious business run wild with no oversight or regulation what got us into this economic cluster fuck in the first place?!  Are you insane?  No, strike that -- you ARE insane.

I will leave it to my opponent to propose returning to the failed, big government mandates of the sixties and seventies to address problems such as the lack of health care insurance for some Americans. I will campaign to make health care more accessible to more Americans with reforms that will bring down costs in the health care industry down without ruining the quality of the world's best medical care.

This is utterly shameless, Senator McCain.  You and your murder by spreadsheet allies have no shame.

And that is all that is worth talking about in this speech.  A creepy old man, consumed by sanctimonious beltway drivel, thinking that the Bush depredations that got us in this mess in the first place is something we should do more viscerally.