An apology, and the results of the big election.

The last diary I wrote but didn't post was titled "you fools".  So you know (essentially) where I'm coming from.

Rather than post that post, I have decided, after taking a break, I will take a different tack.  You see, what I realize, is that my realizations are not the be-all and end-all of every realization in the whole world.

In reality, I have realized this sort of thing for a long time.  I just didn't know (and still do not) know how to respond to it.

I have in the last several months, damaged my credibility.  I did this by promising that which I did not, and in my heart of hearts, had some intention, at the time, of delivering but no readiness.  Not out of intention, necessarily, but out of fear, and out of caring, or lack thereof, for specific people or groups of people.

In particular, I wish to apologize to teacherken, and to Robyn, and to people within that particular sphere, and to people who may believe that religion is valid.

You see, people irritate me.  And, I telecommute, and while I do not lack a conceit of lacking bravery, I get a little crazy from time to time.  

I lashed out at (and continue to lash out at) people I should not have.  

To me, and from where I come from, there is an obvious reality.  What I realize is that "where I come from" is a place that may not be familiar to some.

So here is where I am right now, and now know I have been for a long while:

I am many things, but belong to none of those things.

I am gay, but I do not speak for gay people, and am not like most gay people.

I am a geek, but I do not speak for geeks, and am not like most geeks.

I am a middle class person (well, a lower middle class person, at least) but I do not speak for middle class people.

I do not speak for any of these people.

But, I have to tell you, as whatever type of person I am, credibility, no credibility, person or non person, group or non group, I am, I not only laugh, but I think is damaging, is Democratic candidates talking about "unity", "conviction", or anything remotely similar to same.

Look at this, if you please:

People in prison can get married, but gay people cannot.

In Virginia, people of the same sex cannot even conclude contracts between each other, because of the risk that these people of the same sex might want to suck each others' dicks -- and make no mistake, I didn't say "dicks" out of misogyny, but out of the male-orientedness of American society today.

So here in a nutshell is what I think and I wonder if I am crazy:

American culture is bifurcating.  We are losing cohesion with conservatives.  They do not believe the things we believe.  They do not hold the principles we hold.

Let me be clear:  I do not take this lightly.  Members of (all the members of, except myself) my immediate family do or do not consider themselves conservative.  We have a little civil war brewing, folks, and the hatred involved may explain much.

Anyway, as for me, I am having trouble with the Democratic Party and with the candidates that have been presented as palatable to date.

I want to talk about why I have left Daily Kos for the time being (I may be back) .. because there are at least two:

#1.  I have gone crazy enough that I do not trust myself to say or do the right thing given the situation, and

#2  I am being driven crazy enough by the hypocrisy and the insanity of the candidate supporters.

When Obama supporters talk about unity, I laugh.  

I don't just laugh because the Obama campaign stole this from Edwards, but because of my own history on this board.  I have been called a racist, and a "Snow Queen" (I have come to understand this epithet as someone pretending to be white) because I am a white man and support a white man.

Let me be clear:  I am a white, homosexual, non religious man, who supports (more or less) a white, heterosexual, baptist, basically (no offense, lol!) homophobic prick of a straight man (John Edwards).

You heard me right:  John Edwards is a homophobic prick.  And among the candidates and especially among the Democratic candidates, he is the best one.

What I am risking by saying this, is you on Daily Kos troll rating me.

The problem is, for me, he is the best of the bunch, and why I support him.  

Here is the problem with partisanship, in the final analysis:  You wind up being coopted as part of a coalition that, in the broad perspective, advocates for your destruction, only, perhaps, less so than the opposition.

On Daily Kos, the overwhelming sentiment is, we have candidates that are better by far than their opponents.

Here, for me, is the problem:  That sentiment is true.  That sentiment may even be historical.  We have in the past have had people who have been far worse, and have proven far better leaders in the final analysis.  Only, here's the problem:  The mainstream candidates, as pushed by the right wing media, are all rotten to the core.  All of them.  "Better" or "worse" being a relative appellation.

I have been wrestling with this understanding for months, more with clarity after taking a break from Daily Kos than before.

The problem is, always, in the final analysis, what worked before will not work now:

#1:  The technology that is under political discussion is at least two generations behind the current technology:

What has to be understood is, America's Military Industrial Complex has been allowed to operate, virtually without supervision, for 20 years.   And as of now, to question the wisdom of the MIC, is to question one's political career.  But this will not survive the first serious military engagement with their theory of battle.  

#2:  We have no experience with genuinely technologically adept aggressors.

#3:  The social debate is detracting from dealing with THIS.

Anyway:  If you're gay, you have the following choices:

1.  Hillary Clinton:  Scion of betrayers

Do you really trust her?  As importantly, do you really think, given her campaign rhetoric, if you support her, she will not slap you to the curb and betray you?  If you supported her before, after all that the Clinton administration of the 90's did .. why would she not betray you now?  After all, the Clintons have learned there is no cost for betrayal.  If HRC is not forced to make ironclad promises to the gay community, my belief is, she will betray us as Bill Clinton betrayed us, without apology.

2.  Barack Obama:  Apologists for Republicans and Ex-Gay curers of gays.

Ok, lest anyone think me unfair for saying this:  Obama's campaign was warned about this.  And elected to do it anyway.

And beyond this, they apologized for Donnie McClurkin by using the term "happy gays" (as in, "happy gays need not be afraid of being converted to heterosexuals by Jeyussusss").

Ok, well.

I'm not happy.  What about you?

Here's the problem with the perception of the heterosexual majority:

You make us unhappy.

And by this, I mean something quite concrete.

I can't ask you, a male of unknown orientation, of my species, as wondering and opining and thinking, perhaps an orientation to our own species as being indicative of HUMANITY as,being operative:  Why don't you?

What do you say to the notion that every action of your homophobic leaders has been designated to making us, homosexuals, unhappy?

So if I am unhappy, why don't you "cure" us?

The issue being, if you as a society have investigated every effort to make us unhappy, to displease us, to depress, and alientate us, then why don't you cure me with Jesus?

Only, wait!

Strangely, it takes JESUS for you to make me not-unhappy.  

Explain to me, please, why this is so.  Every other medical endeavor, every situation, every effort, on medical issue after medical issue after medical issue, is, this:  our so-called medical situation (in terms of homosexuality, and homosexuality ONLY) is to be explained in the context of JESUS.

Explain to me, please, why it is so, that every other medical condition in the world is treatable by understanding people, is somehow then curable by then being understood in the context of CHRISTIANTIY as a RELIGION and not by ANY OTHER MEANS.

So here is what makes me unhappy:

1.  I don't want you curing me, restraing me against my will, opining on what I need, or politically distorting what I want.

2.  I don't want my unhappiness contextified as the idea that I am gay, and therefore, unhappy.  Perhaps I am more unhappy because, not only are you straight, but I cannot do what you straight people can do, because you hate and control.

3.  If you want, if you want me to give you what you seem to need, yes, I am unhappy.

I am not unhappy though, because of some fundamental truth, I am unhappy because of the lies of the conservative majority, and they are insidious lies that can be used in many ways.  INCLUDING AGAINST LIBERALS.

I am not unhappy ENOUGH.

I am MORE unhappy because I hear progressive people, even my friends, say, "there are more important things, more important issues, than gays".  Them, knowing, I am gay.

Here is the problem with this reasoning:

There have been More Important Things for you, the heterosexual majority, to consider, since the 50's if not before.

But, um, you, heterosexuals, have not SOLVED the PROBLEM.

So, anyway, here is the problem with the candidates, as I see:

Hillary Clinton:  BETRAYER.
John Edwards:  GLAD-HANDER.
Barack Obama:  EVIL BACKSTABBING MOTHERFUCKER (SEE: HILLARY CLINTON, only in the PRESENT, as opposed to the PAST).

And Barack Obama supporters on Daily Kos dare to post diaries on Unity and Change:

Let me give you a clue:

Your candidate doesn't represent unity and change.  He represents more of the same.

If your candidate really represented unity and change, he would have understood "our" (and by that, I mean, that of gay males, of which I am a constituent) concerns.

We are not HAPPY GAYS which is what Obama said he doesn't have an issue with.  We are very UNHAPPY GAYS and we WANT CHANGE.

By the same token, I franky fear Obama Change.

I frankly, fear fascism and gay hatred leading to our extermination.  Not joking, no.

I think Obama may exterminate us.  Or, if he does not, he will lead to the Administration that will.

And, yes, this is sincere.  From one of two hundred million americans, who is inteligent and does pay attention, it is.

In the end, in conclusion, let me. you., my heterosexual friends, get, and understand, a clue:

Because you ARE the majority of my friends.

Because I do NOT hate you.

I want you all to understand this:  your rights are expendable.  And your rights are contingent on the least of us.  But "the least" is contingent on a number of factors:  Iam relatively economically comfortable, and not dark skinned.  I understand that that lifestyle might be very different:  I understand that if you are dark skinned, you wil be discriminated against, and I understand this:  THIS is the way America works.

Finally, I want to ask Kossacks this:

Your candidates want to deny me my fundamental (FUNDAMENTAL!!) rights.

Explain to me, how any of you, in good conscience, can harangue others, to vote for your candidate, and get ugly about it.  I'm quite serious, because here is the situation:

From my perspective, when I go on the political blogs, I am hearing people telling me I am being trite and petty and full of bullshit, should I have the perspective that none of the candidates actually deserves my vote.

MY VOTE depends on first and foremost the Bill of Rights.  But, from my perspective, none of your Democratic Candidates believes in the Bill of Rights.

You say, on Daily Kos, that each of the Democratic Candidates is better than any of the Republican ones.

That may be true.

To me, though, it is the difference between cars that are in the junkyard and cars that are in the worst used car dealership in the world.

in the final analysis, I believe this:  Any of your candidates on the Democratic side (or even the Republican side) have the right to ASK.

You have no right to DEMAND.  Your candidates, and your positions, have not earned that right.  Or even if you have, I don't care: , my fundamental civil rights trumps that.

yes, I believe that, by the way:  My right to fundamental civil rights trumps your rights to expectactions for a certain result in a given election.
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And I will say this also:  You (centerists) had me.  You lost me.  

By contrast, here is my perspective.  All of your candidates has abandoned the gay vote.

Your candidates cannot commit to full participation in gay rights.  They cannot commit even to something as simple as advocating that gay people should be allocated something as simple as people in prison are permitted.

Frankly, from my perspective, I do not and should not have to care about anything beyond that.

You all do not have the right to my vote.  I want you to admit that.  I want you to own it.  I want you to suck on it, to be honest.

You on Daily Kos want to talk about Ralph Nader.  I am not a Naderite; neither am I a corporatist.  I voted for Gore; I voted for Kerry.

This election, I vote for John Edwards.

God grant the day I do not have to advocate for the best of all evils.  

All that having been said,I have been unkind to people.   And that is why I have been gone.